Bounce
by anime soma cruz
Summary: A touching quest for cough syrup. renji/ichigo, ichigo/byakuya, ooc, crack


Slamming the door behind him, Renji stormed off down the elaborately decorated hall, fixing his lovely blue handkerchief wrapped around his head. He couldn't afford an actual bandana and fuck if he was going to ask Byakuya to buy him one. Especially after that same fucking man had just kicked him out of the penthouse suite they were staying in. All he had done was suggest that just maybe Byakuya should consider handing himself in to Soul Society authorities and go through rehab.

Byakuya's drug habit was why they were in the real world right now. Someone had found out that his wonderful Captain liked to snort cocaine off low-class heathens like Renji, and Byakuya, being the responsible man he was, decided to skip town. At first Renji thought this meant slumming in shitty motels but his Captain was a man of refined taste and had decided to go for the most expensive hotel in the city. Renji was sure that this was probably the first place they'd look but Byakuya had just brushed him off, saying that he was fucking rich and he didn't give a fuck.

Renji could never deny that logic.

People stared at him like he was an alien as he stood in the elevator. Had they never seen a wigger like himself before? Fuck, all rich people were like Byakuya, they probably all snorted cocaine off each other when Renji wasn't looking. Finally the elevator landed at ground floor, and he hurriedly got the fuck outside. They probably wouldn't let him in the lobby when he came back and Byakuya would probably get a bad case of amnesia and pretend like he didn't know who Renji was.

He'd just have to steal some cough syrup or something, which would make his Captain happy. Maybe he could jack some off Ichigo, he lived somewhere in this city and Renji had all the time in the world to go and find him. It was better than watching Byakuya watch infomercials all day in their thoroughly trashed penthouse at least.

Knocking on the door, Renji adjusted his sweatpants so they weren't down around his ankles but around his knees instead. He couldn't let Ichigo's sisters see too much of the sexiness that was Renji Abarai. Isshin opened the door and stared blankly at him for a moment. "What the fuck happened to you, Ishida?"

"I'm Renji Abarai bro."

"So you finally decided to get that sex change?"

"What da fuck, I'm here ta jack cough syrup off ya 'n see my main man Ichigo."

"Oh ok," Isshin said, thoroughly confused that someone else besides Ishida was coming to see his son, a giant red-headed wigger at that. "Are you sure you're not Ishida?"

"Nah man," Renji responded. Had this guy been snorting coke too? Fuck, why was everyone acting so weird? At least Ichigo was normal, or he was last time Renji had seen him. Maybe he'd gone down the dark path of non-wiggerdom too. Renji could easily cure that, with his 24-karat gold plated cock.

He slammed the door open and was met with the sight of Ichigo furiously masturbating to some pink-haired anime girl on his computer. Startled by the sudden intrusion, Ichigo came all over his desk and computer screen. Hurriedly zipping up his pants, he grabbed a handful of tissues out of the Kleenex box beside his monitor and started wiping the evidence off. "WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN?"

"What da fuck is with all dis anime shit bro?" Renji asked, thoroughly disgusted by the cases of anime figurines, and the stacks of anime and manga that littered Ichigo's room. Uncaring that Ichigo had just come all over the entirety of his computer desk. The naked anime girl spreading her pixelated pussy for the world to see on Ichigo's computer screen, now that was another matter altogether. "Ya fucken masturbate to this gay ass shit bro? That's sick."

"SHUT UP! DON'T YOU DARE CALL AKINA-CHAN SHIT YOU FUCKING WIGGER," Ichigo screamed, his voice cracking. "SHE IS MY WAIFU AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER. I MARRIED HER ONLINE YESTERDAY AND TODAY IS OUR HONEYMOON."

Ichigo went on about the love of his life and Renji wondered if going back to the hotel was a better idea. He didn't want to hang out with a lame ass otaku; Ichigo probably didn't even have hip-hop and rap on his computer! He only had one option.

Renji pinned Ichigo down on the bed, beside the dakimakura of Akina-chan. Ichigo had finally shut up, a light dusting of pink spreading across his cheeks. God this man was so fucking gay; Renji would just have to fuck the gay right out of him.

"T-this must be what Ishida feels like when I fuck him," Ichigo mumbled. Who the fuck was Ishida? Fuck that pissed Renji off, whoever that was, was probably another of Ichigo's faggot anime girlfriends.

"Shut da fuck up and take off yer pants," Renji ordered, and Ichigo swiftly complied. He rammed his cock into Ichigo's tight hole immediately after the other man's pants were gone. He was probably going to catch the otaku virus from this faggot, but Renji was confident that his wigger genes were strong enough to withstand anything Ichigo threw at him.

After a round of completely unsatisfying sex, Renji finally got the cough syrup he was searching for. He punched Ichigo in the face, threatening to get his crew on the other man's ass if he was still an otaku when Renji came back. Ichigo didn't want to be a wigger, anything was better than being a wigger, well besides being an aids infested whore like Ishida. He didn't have much of a choice though, and went back up to his room to masturbate to Akina-chan.

And when he arrived, the object of his affection was standing in the middle of his room, wearing her kawaii school outfit and her pink hair in braids. If Ichigo looked hard enough it was obvious that the woman standing there was Byakuya in the cosplay outfit Ichigo had forced Ishida to make for him, but that didn't matter. "Do you know where I could get some cocaine, Ichigo-sama~?"

"No, because I never go outside Akina-chan, you should know that. There's some Tylenol in the kitchen on top of the fridge if you'd like that."

"Thank you Ichigo-sama~, I'll let your filthy ryoka dick devastate my ass pussy in return because I'm fucking rich~."

Ichigo couldn't deny that logic or that offer.


End file.
